life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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