I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
