Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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