Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
