i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
