First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
