I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
