3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
