you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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