If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
