Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
