What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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