hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
