god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
