I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
