It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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