Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
