i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
