i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
