I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
