Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
