Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
