I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
