hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
