so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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