What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
