i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
