Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i love accidental penises.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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