I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The air taste purple.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
