You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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