omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
