I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pants are for mortals
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
