Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
