This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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