peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
did you just send me my own nude
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
