Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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