I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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