the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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