What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
