I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
