I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
