Everything about him screamed your future.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
