Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
