I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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