I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
