I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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