I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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