false alarm. still invincible.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
