I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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