The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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