it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
