my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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