the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
