My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You smell like a Billy Joel song
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
