yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
