Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
